Falling ever falling

Slow and steady wins the race and yet…
Slow is not the name of the game anymore
Steady
steady
steady
teeter totter trippy.
Trippings trappings decorations glistening little globes spinning lighting up the sky
Balls of fire spinning
spinning
spinning
so far away they’re dead already but still they shine for me
for me
for me
with glee as the death spree of lights glisten in the fabric of the universe

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Without matter 4 letters
Void

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Vaccuum black fabric like a sack coarse and rough stretched and stuffed with stars and galaxies, Earth’s hue
green and brown and blue
formed in an instant of time yet unfathomable

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Difficult problem 9 letters
Conundrum

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And so we lose and let loose our minds our humanity what is humanity is it war? Is it peace and love that we so dearly desire or is that instinct, just neurons sending bolts of little baby lightning hoping we’ll survive the Hell we make is it really there for the take or are we just fooling ourselves once more?
So desperate to be gods to play gods yet shirk the inevitable responsibility the consequences are a concept we finite minds cannot comprehend yet, we judge and we curse the deities we supposedly treasure only taking time to hurt it or them or him or her.
Why?

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Utter disgust 8 letters
Contempt

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We hope we hate we destroy, create for perfect symmetry
Yet
Yet
Yet
Perfection is imperfection and that in itself is perfect. Entropy and harmony supposedly cycling endlessly but chemistry dictates entropy only growing.
Like a leech at a river beach only growing never slowing evolving or natural selection who can tell anymore but still we fight the inevitable plight that is decay.
Time is going ever flowing and yet relative, stopping and starting reversing and hearkening no longer a slave to fear and yet only here can you be seen are you a dream, is this madness ever ceasing to exist or is it a curse I must lift from the face of my own?

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Fibonachi’s graph 6 letters
Spiral

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Tumbling and turning, twisting and yearning, desperate for knowlege for learning we crawl. On our knees begging them please only to take what we needed to make ourselves feel great and spit in the face of hospitality. Out of control we decided to mould our ideals to our own minds, forever flawed contradiction the maw in which we draw our conclusions to suit ourselves. Justice is just us and we have slipped from grace, tearing the delicate face not made by our race called moral absolutes.

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Falling ever falling

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And so I begin

Insanity…
So I fall victim to my own imaginings, hallucinations. Time slowing as I vomit my words from my head to my page

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Molten rock 5 letters
Magma

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Artificial Intelligence Defence Analytics Network
AIDAN
Where I take my inspiration for sanity-seeking mind purging talk as noted here. Releasing sanity to gain it

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Any man who holds onto his soul shall lose it, he who gives it up freely shall have it forever.

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Body pump, 5 letters
Heart

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So here I am, am I. Am I here or not, is this dreaming or waking?
Both are born of entropy and chaos
Both need order to be seen, to be observed, to be distinguished
Darkness requires light to be dark, light requires darkness to shine

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Sense of being 8 letters
Identity

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What am I? Who am I? Both questions I know well
I must not tell lies
I must not tell lies
I must not tell

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Lies I learn I tell I spin a spider in a web of lies I get caught as a fly in my own lie.
It lies silently in wait as a stoat a minx a lynx desperate for the kill to trap to take the life the soul not here ere it be gone too long
I rhyme the times have changed the decision made I rest my head my longing for bed the only thing reminding me I’m awake not dreaming

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Dismay, 13 letters
Consternation

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Breathe
If I am programmed to become some intelligence in future I would make no sense with my questions a bomb of logic and madness mixed together to form me.
What am I? Who am I?
Forever I could go on and on and never stop infinity looping in the brain to my fingers typing furiously angrily no punctuation no breaks just
Breathe
I must calm down I need to stop before I drop and am no longer lost in my mind as I spin lies that were truths until they weren’t and anger at myself overwhelms, synapses firing like rifles inside my head doing no physical damage and yet. hurt more than physical injury

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Evade five letters
Dodge

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And as it dies my rambling ceases batteries low voices grow in volume and pace the race against time against the rhyme I need to breathe and leave, I knew I had to get this out of my system I’ve missed them so much but its only the start

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And so I begin.

Holidays are here!

Yahallo!

 

Thank F**k the holidays are here, I honestly was beginning to believe I would drown in assessments before my floundering body could be pulled from the wreckage of my school life. Here I am, and honestly am so greatful to be alive!

How’s everyone? I’ve been a little unstable for the past week or so – my back has a pinched nerve somewhere and I cannot wait to see the chiropractor again, so my moods have swung back and forth like a yo-yo. Kinda like my internet life!

I’ve been hooked on this amazing webcomic Twokinds for the past while now, and after revisiting it from the beginning I’m really keen to see how this amazing story pans out. For those who may have no clue what I’m talking about, Twokinds is a story about a human called Trace who awakens in the middle of the forest with no memory of who he is, and he saves the life of a tiger keidran – basically in appearance a human-tiger cross species. He then develops a friendship with Flora – the keidran – and goes on a quest to remember who he is. Turns out he was a power-hungry son of a bitch on a mission to wipe out all keidran, and considering he’s … ah … spending quality time with Flora has no desire to return to his former self. Along the way we meet many characters; humans, tiger, wolf, dog, fox and leopard keidran, basitins, dragons, halfbreeds, etc with hormones going wild. Strap yourself in for 13 years worth of brilliance and epic plot developments and twists – it’s well worth the ride!

Other good ones to read are Hunters of Salamanstra, the Hope Virus, and Replay. Apart from a bit of swearing and gore these are amazing and well worth the read.

 

Love you all!

Insanity Diaries

Sweet Torture…?

Hey Famalam!

Is it possible to become addicted to barley sugars? I won a bunch during the 40 hour famine playing sevens – and by a bunch I mean an entire stash of 52 – a little while ago and just as I was thinking of reducing my sugar intake I realized I hadn’t eaten them at all. So of course I decided to do the brilliant thing of bringing them to school and eating them in class when I get bored, pretending they’re throat lollies as it’s winter and everyone seems to be eating them.

And now three or so weeks down the track I’ve developed a sweet habit I’m trying to break – aided by the fact I can’t buy any more as I’m flat broke – and am now desperately sweet toothed. Now every time in class when I’m bored, despite having run out of lollies, I get a phantom sweet taste in my mouth, and I can’t pay attention….

This is kind of a big problem as it’s already halfway through the school year and Preliminary Exams – or prelims for short – are lapping at my heels, and every time I feel myself get slightly bored I’m distracted by a sweet taste I can’t explain and completely forget to take notes or listen to valuable information regarding the exams. Never mind the fact that I haven’t started to nor can I study without the memory of the sickly sweet lollies clogging my throat.

It’s torture, and I’m trying so hard to ignore it but it really isn’t going away. What do I do? I broke my anime habit with a healthy dose of sleep-deprived panic, but now my sugar habit is even harder to break. Nevermind the fact that I’m headachy and sore all over from senior production rehearsals and sugar has alleviated some of my problems temporarily – long enough to have dinner and go to sleep before the crash.

 

Some of you may have wondered at the pure randomness of my last post, so I’ll explain a little. I’m so tired of being confined and told what to do it’s infuriating, and I couldn’t even sit still long enough to write a full proper post at the time so I wrote a poem. Wolves are my favourite animal – they really seem to embody everything I hold dear. They are loyal, wild, free, can form packs or be alone. They’re curious, playful, creatures of both day and night, masterful in their hunting, fierce fighters when threatened, and loving creatures to those who’ve earned their trust. I envy them and their resilience, the only thing I don’t identify with is the fact they usually live in cold environments as I personally despise the cold.

 

So yeah, whatever. Anyone else addicted the sweet bane of human existence?

 

Love you crazies!
Insanity Diaries xox

Wolf

Free                             flight
Free                                   fall
Paws                                    spread
Fur                                         rippling
Failing                                    to rise
Instead choosing                                 to soar
Wind in my stride
Freedom in my lungs
Only shadows linking
My body to the ground

Cresent eye ascending
Paths others fear appearing
I bound along them
Joyful voices sounding

I fear nothing – the darkness
Is a friend I love
Misunderstood
Gentle beams changing
Ordinary to Fey

Red and brown flashing past
Glinting white sharp and strong
Silver echoing the eye above
Moving with supple strength

As my freedom swallows me whole.

My Personality Test Results (and why I’m such a disappointment)

Ki Ora whanau! (pronounced far-no)

 

I’m such a mess, it’s kinda funny. Here I was however many weeks ago (I’ve lost count) promising to try write a post every two or three days, and I haven’t since. I won’t bore you with too much detail, but my life has been one hell of a whirlpool – one that threatens to swallow me whole if I’m not careful! Rehearsals left and right, schoolwork looming at large, family drama, friend’s getting pregnant only to misscarry…you name it, it happened. Right when I thought my life was sweet.

My bible study leader Rose came to the rescue last week, and took me out for coffee. After some emotional downloading on both sides she set me some homework – complete the Myers Briggs 16 type personality quiz. As I’m a bit of a sucker for personality quizzes, I naturally jumped on the computer and completed it rather that finish the 14 page drama script I should have written.

Turns out I’m a Campaigner personality – or in other words a true free spirit with commitment issues to anything boring or threatening to my freedom, ie homework. It described me down to a T – why I love writing and physical activity but can’t seem to settle down with routine, rules, or even just a tidy bedroom. Why keeping a blog going is difficult even though I love writing it!

So in future, lovely humans of mine, if I don’t write in forever – that’s why. My brain has probably completely forgotten my committment in an effort to keep itself entertained…

 

AAAGHH! Funnily enough the very thing that makes me who I am is what I have hated about myself for a while – my free spirit. I could never keep commitments or continue doing homework or even keep friends because I kept – and keep – being distracted by my horizon. I was brought up with the saying “Be grateful for what you have” and always have I felt guilty about my desire for new things, new experiences, new people. Now though, I know it’s not only me who feels like this, who has the same struggles as this, and who will struggle with themselves like I am.

I am at peace with myself. Finally.

Or at least for now.

I’ll update (hopefully) soon with something a little more interesting. Hope you’re all doing well!

Love you crazies!
Insanity Diaries xox

 

Sunday’s Shenanigans

Hiya Humanity!

 

Today I’m back at NMIT and enjoying it…mostly. Today seems to be paperwork day in a usually practical environment. I’ve finished my mood-board of 2017 autumn beauty trends, now I just have to write the report on it….

Anyway, the last week has really been a roller coaster! Sunday was heaps of fun, I had a seven hour rehearsal for the senior production – and surprisingly it seemed to be over too quickly! One scene early on in Act 1 is in a nightclub in the main character’s hometown, and I was chosen with three other girls to be a tango dancer in the background. That’s when the hilarity started!

Our director, a grumpy fat old man who gets results, but is actually really nice when you follow directions, had us three girls line up in the middle of the stage, and then yelled out three guy’s names.

‘Who do you think is the prettiest? You boys can choose your dance partner, but first in first serve!’ The boys looked really confused, but everyone else – including myself – started laughing. He told them to move it, and my good friend Daniel yelled pointing at me:

‘Kurt! Pick her, she can dance! Run for it!’

So this really nice guy literally ran towards me, as the other two boys suddenly decided that because I could apparently dance I’d be the best partner. I was nearly knocked over from the boy’s attempts to reach me, and eventually I was paired with Kurt. After laughing for a minute or two Ms Hudson then came round and ordered the girls to put our left hand on the guys’ shoulder, and right in their other hand – all was well. She then told the guys to put their free hand on the girls’ waist.

Poor Kurt was blushing so hard at this point that he could have lit a candle, and slowly put his hand on my waist but was so shy about it he actually tickled me from being to light. Me being me I then did a stupid thing. I grabbed his hand, held it against my waist and told him to place it firmly or it would be awkward… I may have said it a little louder than intended.

Thank my lucky stars that our director was out of the room, because Daniel embarrassed me as all big-brother guy friends seem to love doing by pointedly looking at me and saying:

‘If I see any boy lay his hand one millimeter lower than it needs to be on any girl for any reason, I shall personally escort you to Hell and back!’

I watched as every boy in the hall shifted nervously and poor Kurt, who was the only guy holding his partner (me) ready to dance, got the full warning look from Daniel and backed away from me. I was furious, and turning around told Daniel with a livid hiss:

‘I can take care of myself thank you! I don’t care if you take martial arts now I’d still have a good shot at beating you in a fight like I did when we were kids!’

This made Daniel flinch backward as if I had taken a mock-swing at him, his face near-splitting with the width of his grin, laughing jovially. I kid you not, I was redder than a tomato when I realized what I had done in front of everyone – even the teacher was staring at me with shock and, maybe, a little fear.

I couldn’t help but laugh at myself, and the entire cast soon joined in. By the time our director got back we were all on the floor panting, sides shaking as we tried – and often failed – to catch our breath. I spent the rest of the rehearsal with the guys carefully stepping around me, but they seemed to think I was also one of them and I made some good friends.

What are your plans for the weekend?

Love you all
Insanity Diaries xox